


Planet of the Unicorns

by Mari



Category: Star Trek (2009)
Genre: Gen, Unicorns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-06
Updated: 2011-05-06
Packaged: 2017-10-19 01:36:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/195437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mari/pseuds/Mari
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was supposed to be a simple process:</p><p>1. Beam down.<br/>2. Meet with representatives of local government.<br/>3. Exchange statements and tokens of goodwill.<br/>4. Return to <i>Enterprise</i> having ensured that the Federation would be viewed favorably by another newly-contacted race.</p><p>It never, <i>ever</i> worked out that way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Planet of the Unicorns

It was supposed to be a simple process:

1\. Beam down.  
2\. Meet with representatives of local government.  
3\. Exchange statements and tokens of goodwill.  
4\. Return to _Enterprise_ having ensured that the Federation would be viewed favorably by another newly-contacted race.

It never, _ever_ worked out that way.

"This is a nice place," Kirk remarked, as soon as the away team had all materialized fully. "Very...pastoral."

"Yes, but where is natives?" Chekov asked.

Sulu shaded his eyes with one hand, pointing with the other. "There's something over there. Headed this way."

"Fascinating," Spock said, after a moment. "They appear to be horses with swords on their heads."

"Unicorns," Kirk said. "Wow." And then, "They sure aren't slowing down any, are they?" And then, "Uh. Do you think they're angry unicorns?" And then, " _Run_!"

The away team made for a rocky hill nearby, scrambling up the semi-sheer surface with the ease of ridiculously frequent practice. They took shelter in a shallow cave while the threatening herd of unicorns milled around below them, occasionally letting loose with a volley of loud, whinny-like calls.

"Okay, so. Unicorns," Kirk summed up. "Why are they so interested in us?"

"Maybe they're hungry," Sulu said.

Spock looked slightly more skeptical than usual. "They do not have a morphology consistent with any known carnivores, despite their formidable horns. I suspect that they are herbivores."

"I've got it!" Kirk said. "Chekov!"

"Yes, Captain?"

"They're after _you_. You know. Unicorns. Virgins. It all makes sense."

Chekov blushed. "Except, no, does not make sense."

"I concur," Spock said. "Your deduction is supported by no clear –"

"I mean," Chekov interrupted, "I am not virgin."

Kirk blinked. "Are you sure?"

"Uh, I can confirm that one, Captain," Sulu said. "He definitely isn't."

"Oh. _Oh_. Right. Okay." Kirk turned to his First Officer. "Spock? I sort've assumed that you and Uhura were, uh. _Intimate_."

"I have no comment on the matter," Spock said stiffly.

"We're being stalked by unicorns! I think you'd better have a fucking comment!"

Spock's face was as serene as ever, but the careful observer would have noticed that his jaw was clenched. "Lieutenant Uhura and I are, indeed, intimate. And I will have no _further_ comments to share, Captain, no matter how many times you ask."

Sulu made a choking sound as he tried not to laugh.

"Well it sure isn't _me_ ," Kirk muttered. "Unless they're some kind of weird reverse-unicorns…"

"Captain, I must reiterate that your reliance upon Terran mythology in an attempt to explain the behaviors of creatures many light-years distant from Earth is highly illogical," Spock said.

Kirk opened his mouth, but Chekov spoke first, cutting off any further debate. "Chekov to _Enterprise_."

Uhura's clear voice emanated from Chekov's communicator. " _Enterprise_ here. What do you need, Ensign?"

"Oh, perfect!" Kirk grinned. "Uhura will know! Girls know _everything_ about unicorns."

There was a pause. "Unicorns?" Uhura said. "Captain, are you talking about the Parchelidae?"

"Not unless they look like 'horses with swords on their heads,' no. And where are those guys, anyway? Weren't they supposed to meet us here?"

There was a longer pause, and what sounded like muffled laughter. "Did you read the mission dossier, Sir? The Parchelidae _do_ look like horses."

"Uh," Kirk said. He glanced around at the rest of the away team, none of whom would look him in the eye. "Of course I read it. We all read it. Just like we always do. All of us. Always!" He coughed. "We were just fooling around. Away team out!"

The communicator blipped, signaling that the transmission had been ended. Kirk groaned.

"Okay guys," he said. "From now on, _everyone reads the dossiers_ , got it?"

Maybe next time the process would be simple.


End file.
